My Dad, My Hero

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I lost one of my heroes yesterday- the first one I ever met.  My dad, Hank Lenz, was a great example of how heroes come in many forms.

Dad was not a “no pain, no gain” kind of guy.  He liked his indulgences and until recently had the belly to prove it.  I remember years ago when we were both working in the City, he stopped off for a beer and sausage before joining me for a yoga class.  I think the grease and alcohol may have only improved his flexibility because much to my chagrin at the time, he got through the class just fine!

Dad did things his own way and didn’t really care what anyone else thought about it. He would never presume to tell anyone what they should do either.  Even though he didn’t believe in telling me what to do, he was there for me a lot with a steadying hand when I stumbled or he found a way of letting me know he “got me” when it seemed like no one else did.

Dad was the one who took me to JC Penneys after church one Sunday when I was 12 to buy my first cosmetics.  I still have that little Francis Denney eye shadow duo compact in my treasure box.  Dad was the one who took me into the City to have my headshots done when I was convinced in high school I wanted to be an actress.  He took me to lunch afterwards.  We repeated the process including one of my heroines, Nana-his mother, when it was time to pick my photos up.  The three of us went to Fraunces Tavern for a special dining experience I remember very fondly.

One of our favorite places to go was the NY Renaissance Faire in Tuxedo, NY.  We started going in the early 1980s and continued off and on until 2019. Sometimes other family members would join us but Dad and I were the ones who kept going back because we loved it there.  In fact, Dad noted the positive influence it had on his moody daydreamer of a daughter and signed us both up for the Society of Creative Anachronisms for a couple of years.  So, we could attend other medieval and historical events together.

Dad never tried to change me or shame me for any of my missteps or wrong turns throughout my life.  He knew I have always marched to the beat of my own drummer and held space for me to do that.  Anytime, I have been tempted to say things should be different and find blame for why they aren’t, Dad would say, “Why are you should-ing yourself? “Should” is not helpful.  You get that from your mother.”

I barely can believe he passed.  It doesn’t seem real.  The pain leaks in when I have to say the words as we make calls to let people know but my brain finds ways to protect me and keep it at distance.  I am so grateful to have spent a lot of time with Dad over the years.  Even though dementia was stealing him away from us for many days over these last few years, he would surface at times.  I seized those lucid moments and told him how much I loved him and how grateful I was that he was my Dad and how being who he was, allowed me the opportunity to be who I am.  There are a million other things I could write about him.  He was so intelligent, well-read, funny, handsome and the list goes on.  Most of all though, he was an original. A one and only! There will never be another Hank Lenz!  I am so glad and thankful he was my dad.

 

How To Make Your Dream A Reality- How I Became A Yoga Teacher

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My dream finally came true last year!  I became a yoga teacher.  It took over two decades and very nearly stayed a dream forever.

I was not much of an athlete growing up. Other than running very fast for very short distances, I was rubbish at sports.  I was always the last kid left when teams were picked in gym class.  And I had two left feet on the dance floor. Despite what I thought was an obvious lack of coordination, I’ve always been drawn to yoga.  So, in 2001, I began to learn this beautiful ancient practice, first starting with VHS tapes then working my way up to live classes.  I loved it and I could do it… and I loved that I could do it!  I also loved that the benefits of yoga went way  beyond just physical exercise.  Yoga is deeply healing and slowly wounds that I carried inside for years began to get better.

I knew I wanted to teach yoga but I figured that if it was meant to be that I would be invited to enroll into a Yoga Teacher Training program.  I longed for one of my teachers to say, “Cynthia, have you thought about teaching yoga?  You really should consider it.” That never happened.  I just figured I wasn’t charismatic enough.  I didn’t have what it takes.  

20+ years went by.  I continued to practice yoga while working at jobs that left me miserable,  frustrated and unsure of what my real purpose in life was.  Then one day  while I was at a yoga class, lying on my belly in Cobra Pose, awaiting the teacher’s next cue, I thought, “I want to do this!  Why can’t I teach?  I can do this!  I am going to do this!”  The very next day I enrolled in a Yoga Teacher Training Program before I could talk myself out of it.  I still didn’t know if I had what it took but I was determined to find out!

Throughout the training, I continued to doubt myself.  When it was my turn to teach a posture, I would sometimes freeze and my mind would go blank even though I practiced the pose hundreds of times before. I found myself wishing the floor would open and swallow me whole.  My anxiety got so bad three quarters of the way through the training that I emailed one of my favorite teachers and explained that I was struggling.  I knew I would I would finish the program but I feared I still wouldn’t be hire-able as teacher.  She wrote me back quickly that she knew I was going to be a great yoga teacher and asked me to teach a portion of her own class that weekend.  When someone you respect believes in you, it can make it easier to start believing in yourself.  Within two days, I went from being convinced that I didn’t have what it takes to be a yoga teacher to teaching a class with 50 people in it.  

That was the turning point for me.  I knew after that, I could do it and I haven’t looked back since.  I graduated from the program and have since earned additional certifications. I now teach multiple classes. I love holding space for  people while they learn how to build their practice. And I love seeing them experience yoga’s benefits for the body, mind and spirit.  

What’s your dream?  Are you waiting for someone else’s blessing before you act on it?  I got that backwards for a very long time.  You need to take action first then the blessings will follow.  Namaste!

My Six Months No Alcohol Challenge Update

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Oh man, this post is overdue!  I completed this challenge almost a year ago.  I am just going to tell you upfront: It was one of the best things I have ever done.

Beyond the physical benefits I described in my previous post, including better sleep, better skin, better belly,  feeling better, etc., I finally did something for myself that I never found the courage to do before- I enrolled in and completed a Yoga Teacher Training Program.  Since then, I have taught well over a hundred yoga classes and LOVE it!  It’s truly a dream come true.  I think that’s the biggest difference doing this no alcohol challenge made for me- instead of just dreaming, I started doing.  I also had the energy needed to keep going the whole time.

What’s the answer to the burning question- did I keep going with the challenge after the six months?  I did not.  A few weeks after the challenge ended, I had a cocktail at my parents’ anniversary party.  I also drink wine weekly. I am a lot more mindful now about drinking it these days. I am aware that when I have it- even one glass- I am not at my best the next day.  So, why have it then?  Well, it’s something I enjoy, not unlike a lovely dessert.  While I know that a good chocolate chip is not the healthiest choice either, I don’t want to abstain from them for the rest of my life.  As long as I don’t overindulge in wine (or cookies) then I am comfortable with enjoying them responsibly.

I have to admit though, I am curious what it might be like to do a No Alcohol Challenge for a whole year.  So, there may be a post about that in the future.

100 Days No Alcohol Challenge

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I mentioned in my last post My Dry August that since my month-long no alcohol challenge yielded so many benefits that I decided to do 100 days to see what else might happen.  I can tell you, it was mostly more of the same that  I already shared but with one big difference!

During those 100 Days last Fall, I decided to make my decades-long dream of becoming a yoga instructor a reality.  I knew I wanted to be a yoga teacher shortly after I began practicing back in 2000 but I wasn’t sure if I had what it takes.  The fact that I was 23 years older than when I started didn’t help either.  You may be wondering what being on a break from alcohol had to do with my decision to finally go for my dream.

It comes down to this-I believe that my nightly glass of wine was making it easier to NOT do things I knew I wanted to do.  There are a number of reasons why but I think the most important is that alcohol helps us stay comfortably in our comfort zone. Life can be really hard.  Taking on new challenges doesn’t make it any easier, at least not in the short term.

It’s so much simpler and more comfortable to veg out in front of the TV at the end of the day than it is to pursue something meaningful.  Alcohol, even one glass, helped me to set aside the nagging feeling that I could be doing something better and with purpose.  I think it makes it easy to choose to do nothing.

After being alcohol-free for a month, I was in a yoga class and thought to myself, “I could do this.  I want to do this! I am going to do this!” The very next day I signed up for a yoga teacher training program before I could talk myself out of it.  Obviously, not drinking alcohol wasn’t the only reason I finally went for it but it helped.  For one thing, I wouldn’t have been in the yoga class where I had the epiphany if I had wine with dinner that night.  I also felt better than I had in a long time.  I found the courage to follow through and I don’t believe I would have if I had been indulging in my nightly cup of comfort.

You may be wondering if I started drinking again after I completed the 100 Day Challenge.  I did during the holidays and I enjoyed it but not as much as I used to.  So, I decided to stop again on January 1st for six months to see what happened.  I have since completed my Yoga Teacher Training Program and will begin teaching my own weekly class next month.  I am also working on some other projects that I’m excited about.

Will I continue the challenge when the six months are up? I don’t know yet.  It might be interesting to continue until my birthday or even go the whole year and compare it to last year.  Stay tuned!

My Dry August: No Alcohol Challenge

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I have written many times about having insomnia and my attempts to cure it. In that spirit (no pun intended) I embarked on a month long challenge in August to see if abstaining from alcohol would improve my sleep.

I am not a big drinker but I tend to be a daily one.  I would regularly have one to two glasses of wine with dinner.  I didn’t really think that I drank enough for it to impact my sleep but I was wrong. I slept better than I had in years.  With few exceptions, I slept through the night and if I did wake up I was able to go back to sleep fairly easily.

Improved sleep was only one of many benefits I listed when I reviewed the month.  Here’s the full list:

1. My skin improved. It became more supple and silky.  I think we can chalk this up mostly to increased hydration.  Alcohol is a diuretic.  So, I was losing less water by abstaining.  Alcohol is a also toxin.  So, by avoiding it, it stands to reason that the skin-the largest excreting organ in the body- would improve.

2. I lost weight.  I had already lost about nine pounds this year by eliminating processed food and most oil from my diet but I lost another three after cutting out wine. I felt less snacky at night and didn’t continue to eat after dinner.  (I didn’t really consume fewer calories by not drinking wine because I switched to Non-Alcoholic Beer.)  Also, my digestive organs were no doubt functioning better without having to drop everything to filter out the toxicity from the wine. So, more fat was getting metabolized and less was being stored.

3. Bloating was greatly reduced.  Even though I had already lost nine pounds, I still had a popped out belly from being bloated all the time.  When I stopped consuming alcohol, all my pants suddenly got loose again.  Hallelujah!

4. No more tummy aches.  Fun fact: Alcohol wreaks havoc on your microbiome. That’s the colony of beneficial bacteria that lives in our digestive track and helps break down our food.  Those little guys got to work after I started this challenge.

5. Brain fog started to dissipate. I suspect my thinking became clearer because I finally got some real, honest to goodness sleep for the first time in years.

6. I felt a little happier. I found myself laughing, singing and wiggling my butt more. (I wrote what I wrote!)

7. My energy was a bit better.

8. I became tidier.  This is embarrassing but sometimes I was so tired in the evening that the dishes never made it from the sink to the dishwasher.  Sometimes, I was so tired in the morning that my bed didn’t always get made.

9. I felt more grounded and peaceful than I had in a long time. While I was not drinking heavily, I was drinking regularly.  So, in retrospect, it’s not surprising that alcohol was affecting my moods. It’s a depressant that I was imbibing almost daily.

10. I began to feel more aware and conscious. I wasn’t just getting through my day anymore. I felt more like I did when I was younger- less jaded and more appreciative.

11. I also look younger in my opinion.  I think this a by-product of more sleep, better hydration and my organs working more efficiently. My face isn’t puffy anymore and my skin is a bit more dewy again.

12. Better sleep.  I don’t know if you have ever been so tired that you feel like you could cry but I have and it’s not fun!

Given all these benefits, I was curious to see if any more could be gained by continuing this experiment.  So, I decided to keep this challenge going for 100 days.  I’ll let you know in November what happens.  Have you ever done a Dry Month or Sober Season?  Please let me know in the comments.

TV-Free January Challenge: The Results

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When I told a friend of mine that I would not be watching TV in January, her response was, “you picked one of the longest, coldest, darkest months of the year to go without television???”

I had to admit when she put it that way I was a little nervous I might not get through the whole month but I did with one exception.  I found out that my favorite vintage TV show was back on the air.  So, I allowed myself one hour a week.  I still call that a success.

So, what happened when I stopped watching TV?  For starters, I read more.  I finished four books, started two more and listened to a lengthy audiobook.  I was very pleased as reading again was one of my goals when I started this little experiment.

Another aspiration was to sleep more.  The first night I did but then it got more challenging again.  My insomnia not only thundered back, it brought a friend- an ear worm named Mr Jones.  During the first week, I heard the catchy Counting Crows song and it stayed with me for the rest of the month.  Every quiet moment and especially between 1AM and 4AM that song plagued me.  It felt like I would never get it out of my head.  (The antidote turned out to be Everybody Have Fun Tonight (Everybody Wang Chung Tonight)  Who would have guessed that?)

My suspicion is that without the distraction TV normally provides my brain, my “monkey mind” (as meditators like to call it) was going into overdrive to deal with the change.  Our brains don’t like change and we are hard-wired to resist it.  It’s a well-intentioned effort by our brains to keep us safe.  Familiarity is good.  Change is scary to our brains because we don’t know what is going to happen.  Even something seemingly insignificant like not watching television can have an impact if it is departure from the norm.

My brain may have been on to something because without the mind-numbing diversion of television, I started to become very aware of how tired I have been for a very long time.  Chronic Fatigue is not a new thing for me but I have learned a lot over the decades on how to deal with it.  I realized during this challenge that I had stopped doing things that helped and started doing things that didn’t.  One example is my diet had become less than stellar.

I have remained a vegetarian for over 20 years and dairy-free for over 10 but I had started eating eggs again a little over a year ago.  Worse than that, I was relying too often on processed foods like dairy-free cheese, margarine, bread and pasta.  Of course, I had become used to eating these things in front of the TV to boot.  Now, I am preparing food mostly from scratch again and including lots of fruit, salads, veggies, nuts and seeds.  Eggs are off the menu again.  I am starting to feel better and… (drum roll) SLEEP BETTER!

I have one caveat to share before I wrap this post up.  I noticed that when I stopped watching TV that my internet time increased.  I was watching a lot of Youtube videos. Youtube is a good resource when you want to learn about something you are thinking about trying.  I realized though that I was swapping one screen for another.  I didn’t need to watch 20 videos on how to make Kombucha.  One or two would have sufficed.  Not to mention- I received The Art of Fermentation by Sandor Katz for Christmas.

Going TV-free for January turned out to be a really worthwhile challenge.  I am making changes as a result that are having a positive impact on my life. So, I decided to keep going to see what other improvements can be made.  What do you think would improve your life if you stopped doing it?